Questions:
As-Salamu Aleikom. I recently
decided to get married; even my parents have started looking for a religious
girl for me. What makes me worried is that I don’t feel attracted to
intercourse. Frankly speaking, I used to watch blue films in my teenage years
and read porn magazines along with frequent masturbation. Nowadays, I
masturbate much less, but I feel some pain in my penis during erection. I don’t
have erection automatically either when watching blue films. I need to add to
it that I run my own business which often makes me worried. Should I marry now?
Will I face any problem which might cause disturbance in satisfying my wife
sexually
Answer:
As-Salaamu ‘Alaykum,
Congratulations on deciding to
take this important step. May Allah (swt) bless your marriage. It’s true that
the more a person looks at porn, the harder it is for them to be aroused by a
real woman. Therefore, many brothers and sisters harm their marriage before
even looking for spouses. Such a long-term habit is difficult to stop, but it
is possible. In fact, thousands of people do it every year by following a
system of addiction recovery.
This problem can cause problems
to your future marriage in different ways. Here are three ways:
1. You may not be content with
“normal” sexual relations because your brain has associated the videos you have
watched as being desirable, and normal sexual relations as boring. The women
who are in those videos are not everyday women, thus it may leave you feeling
let down when you are with the average normal woman.
2. Your wife may feel
disrespected if you start asking her to perform the things you see on video and
let down when she finds out you look at porn.
3. You may develop rage against
your wife due to the feeling that you are not being fulfilled by your wife
sexually.
The answer to protecting
yourself from these scenarios is to stick to a life of addiction recovery for
the next 5 years no matter what and develop contentment with life and the
natural way of things as they are.
A good place to start living a
life of addiction recovery is by educating yourself and reading the reviews of
many good books on amazon.com that can be purchased digitally. I suggest
reading 3 different books by 3 different authors about pornography addiction
recovery.
In addition, add lessons you
have learned from yourself and put a recovery plan together. A recovery plan is
a few easy-to-do things that are natural and easy for you to do consistently
and daily. These steps will keep you in the recovery mindset regardless if you
relapse or not because it’s about improving over time.
You can learn to develop
contentment by teaching yourself to enjoy life the way Allah (swt) gives it to
you. You do it by not being a person who feels the need to have more and more
to be happy or feel the need to keep up with the Joneses (“to try to own all
the same things as people you know in order to seem as good as them).
The Messenger of Allah (saw)
summed it up when he (saw) said,
“Riches does not mean having a
great amount of property, but riches is self-contentment.” (Al-Bukhari)
You can marry the most
beautiful wife in the world, but no one can compete with a fantasy.
Sex is only like 5% of a
marriage normally – unless it’s a problem, then it becomes 95% of problems. A
question to ask yourself,
“Other than for marital
relations, what is the point of me getting married, and what am I going to do
to have a happy and harmonious family in the long term?”
It’s an important question
because the person who doesn’t think and have an idea of the focus of his
marriage will find it a frustrating experience. But the one who does will find
it a beautiful experience that will cause him to grow. It’s important to ask
yourself what type of father and husband you would like to be. I’m sure you
have thought about these things, but it’s good to be reminded of them from time
to time.
Sexual performance is a mixture
of the mind and body. Anxiety, worry, looking at porn, and being out of shape
are things that negatively affect sexual performance. The biggest thing you can
do if performance is an issue is to stop watching porn and take whatever steps
you need to maintain recovery long term. If you feel the situation is more
physical than mental, I advise you to speak with a doctor who specializes in
sexual dysfunction.
Should you marry now or should
you wait? The best way to answer this question is to ask yourself after you
look at your good points (tolerance, attitude, religious practice, manners,
disposition, job, motivation to change for the better ) and your bad points
(temperament, level of maturity, shortcomings, lack of motivation to change,
disobedience to Allah, lack of maturity). Ask yourself, if you had a daughter
who you loved and wanted only good for her, would you want her to marry someone
just like you, as you are today, or would you not? It may help if you get a
sheet of paper and write out the pros on one side and cons on the other side of
your wife marrying you and take a good look at it. I hope that helps.
Salam,
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