Husband’s Ex-Wife is Still Part of His Life

Question:

My husband married me 3 years ago. It is his 5th marriage. He divorced his wife and mother of his three children after 37 years because he had taken a second wife. He was a refugee and his first wife couldn't live with the idea and asked for a divorce. His latest wife divorced him because she wouldn't move to his country. When I met him he said that he divorced this wife 15 months ago, but later I got to know that it was only one month. We went together on a honeymoon to Mecca and I was so happy. When we came back he said he wanted to send a present to his ex-wife, in person, so he drove to her country to bring her the present. I begged him not to because it would cause troubles in my relationship and faith in him. But he didn't care; he went anyway. Then the phone calls, texting, Viber calls, and sending pictures have started between them. I confronted him and said that, in my opinion, it was not allowed in Islam because she was his ex-partner. He told me he had given her 2 divorces only; she didn't ask for the third one. When I asked her to stop contacting my husband, she said she was still married. Then she started her tricks to blame me for sending her bad text messages and he believed her. But it wasn't true. She said ugly words to me and sent pictures with him together. After 3 years of marriage, the issue still upsets me and makes me depressed and insecure. They are still in contact which causes fights between us. The only thing he is concerned about is that I had no right to check his phone. He lies all the time; sometimes he says he will stop the relationship with his ex, but now he even admits that it is he who keeps contacting her. She says she is Quran scientist and he claims to be an Imam. I am a revert Muslim and don’t know all the rights regarding this issue. To me, it feels unfair towards me, and I do not understand why people still keep in contact with their ex. What are the rules about this? It is impossible to talk with him about this subject. He wants this relationship, too, and will not cut it. I hate divorce, but because of the stress and tension, I cannot be a good wife to him. Can I ask him to divorce me? It seems I am married to a man and a shadow who only wants his attention, without fulfilling her Islamic duties. She said she didn't want him back as he ruined her life.

Answer:

As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,

I’m sorry to hear about your difficult condition. The bottom line is if a person lacks good character and you do not trust him, this is enough of a reason for any marriage to fail. The Qur’an, in the chapter on women (Nisa), discusses the process of divorce and marriage.

I encourage you to research more on this matter. One of the points that the Qur’an mentions is that we must be clear and honest about our commitments. We are either married or not married. We should never feel like we are in a state of limbo. But I am not an Islamic scholar, so please contact our Ask the Scholar section for more answer.

It sounds to me like your husband is playing games and being deceitful with you. The fact that he has been married five times, according to you, suggests that he has a pattern of having unhealthy and damaging relationships.

You should not be fooled by so-called religious justifications to act in ugly ways. When people play games with God’s (swt) sacred law, they cause destruction and harm. When people are living by sacred law authentically, the experience will be sweet and peaceful, as God (swt) describes in His noble book.

I personally do not believe a woman needs “to wait” for her husband to divorce her if she has rightful grounds to leave him. It is not in harmony with clear Islamic principles of justice, morality, and virtue to keep a woman in an oppressed state. There is something called ‘khula in Islam; please look for more information about it and its procedure. Therefore, in my opinion, this idea of only the husband can divorce is unfounded, except in cases where the woman is being unjust or has no legal or religious grounds to do seek the request. But, again, I am not an Islamic scholar; therefore, I encourage you to contact our Ask the Scholar section regarding your options.

In conclusion, the question is, do you believe you have personal and religious grounds for divorce? Do you feel that if you move on from this marriage you are comfortable meeting God (swt) and being asked about your decision? Do you feel you can defend it? If so, then you need to decide what is best for you based on your experience with him.

You also have the right to seek counsel and attempt to resolve your issues with a professional that understands your culture and religion. If you are married legally, you can file for divorce as Islamic law on marriage does not absolve the country’s law that you live in. When you are legally divorced, you are also divorced religiously. If you are married only by Islamic law and not legally, you will need to consult with your religious leaders, preferably a convert Imam or one who is familiar with your local cultural customs. However, if you do not find the proper support from an Imam, you will have to consider moving on and voicing your divorce to him and praying to God (swt) to accept it and guide you away from harm.

May Allah (swt) help you.