Questions:
Love and attraction towards the
opposite sex before marriage is something that is not under one’s control, but
our Lord, may He be glorified, has explained how to deal with it in the verse
in which He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“There is no blame upon you for
that to which you [indirectly] allude concerning a proposal to women or for
what you conceal within yourselves. Allah knows that you will have them in
mind. But do not promise them secretly except for saying a proper saying. And
do not determine to undertake a marriage contract until the decreed period
reaches its end. And know that Allah knows what is within yourselves, so beware
of Him. And know that Allah is Forgiving and Forbearing”
[al-Baqarah 2:235].
So the way to deal with it is
clear: either to propose or to keep it to oneself until Allah decides
concerning this matter. Is this understanding of the verse here correct or not?
Answer:
Praise be to Allah
Firstly:
For a man to be attracted to a
woman and vice versa is something that Allah has caused to be quite natural in
people, so that the human race might be perpetuated and not cease to exist on
earth until Allah, may He be exalted, decrees, and so that an atmosphere of
comfort and tranquillity may be created within the family.
Allah, may He be exalted, says
(interpretation of the meaning):
“And of His signs is that He
created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them;
and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a
people who give thought”
[ar-Room 31:21].
So a man is not to be blamed
for feeling an attraction towards women.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have
mercy on him) said:
There is no blame on one who
feels love towards women; rather this is a sign of perfect manhood.
End quote from ad-Daa’
wa’d-Dawaa’ (p. 552).
This means that this
inclination is a sound manly characteristic.
It was narrated that Anas said:
The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Women
and perfume have been made dear to me, and my comfort is in prayer.” Narrated
by an-Nasaa’i (3940); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan
an-Nasaa’i (3940).
If a man finds himself
attracted to a non-mahram woman outside the framework of marriage, it may be
difficult for him to rid his heart of that. Hence Islamic teachings dictate
keeping away from anything that could lead to this kind of attraction and
taking precautions to prevent it happening in the first place.
Infatuation and attraction do
not usually develop in the heart except because of letting one’s gaze wander
freely; failing to lower the gaze and refrain from looking at that which is
prohibited; and doing that which strengthens this infatuation, such as
listening to haraam songs, reading or watching love stories, letting one’s
thoughts wander, and letting the infatuation take root, especially if one’s
heart is spiritually weak and devoid of remembrance of Allah, may He be
exalted.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have
mercy on him) said:
The steps that lead to
infatuation are under one’s control, and what is required is to avoid them.
Looking, harbouring thoughts and exposing oneself to circumstances in which one
may fall in love are all voluntary matters (that should be avoided), but once
one takes those steps, then what results from that is something that a person
has no control over.
It is like the intoxication
that results from drinking alcohol: if consuming the intoxicant is something
voluntary, what results from it of intoxication becomes beyond one’s control.
As the means that led to that state was something that the individual chose and
was not forced to do, he is not to be excused from what results from it that is
not under his control. If the means is haraam, then the intoxicated person is
not excused.
No doubt looking repeatedly and
dwelling on thoughts is like drinking an intoxicant, so the individual is to be
blamed for not keeping away from that which led to this outcome.
End quote from Rawdat
al-Muhibbeen (p. 225).
Indeed, in some cases a person
may be excused and is not to blame for what arises in his heart of attraction and
infatuation. This applies if there was no unlawful action on his part, such as
if the attraction comes about as a result of an accidental glance, or if he is
married to a woman and loves her, but she does not love him and wants a divorce
from him, and ends up divorced, but his heart remains attached to her. In this
case he is not to be blamed.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have
mercy on him) said:
If infatuation occurs due to a
cause that is not prohibited, then the individual is not to be blamed, such as one
who loves his wife then divorces her, but continues to love her and thinks
constantly of her. In that case there is no blame on him.
Similarly, if an accidental
glance occurred, then he averted his gaze; love may take root as a result of
that, without him wanting it to. But he has to try to resist it and try to
avert it by means of something contrary to it. But if he is overwhelmed by that
love, then there is no blame on him, provided that he strove hard to ward it
off.
End quote from Rawdat al-Muhibbeen
(225-226).
Secondly:
When a man finds himself
attracted to a specific woman, then the right things to do is propose to her,
if that is possible in both shar‘i and realistic terms.
One example of that is when the
Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) intervened for Mugheeth and
asked Bareerah to go back to him, after she had left him. It was narrated from
Ibn ‘Abbaas that the husband of Bareerah was a slave called Mugheeth; [Ibn
‘Abbaas said:] it is as if I can see him, following her around and weeping,
with tears flowing down to his beard, and the Prophet (blessings and peace of
Allah be upon him) said to ‘Abbaas: “O ‘Abbaas, are you not amazed at how much
Mugheeth loves Bareerah, and how much Bareerah dislikes Mugheeth?” The Prophet
(blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said (to Bareerah): “Why don’t you
go back to him?” She said: O Messenger of Allah, are you instructing me to do
that? He said: “I am only interceding for him.” She said: I have no need of
him. Saheeh al-Bukhaari (5283).
If he is not able to marry her,
then in this case he must turn to Allah, may He be exalted, in order to relieve
his distress, and he must be patient and realise that this is a trial and test
from Allah, may He be exalted; if he bears it with patience, then he will have
a great reward.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah
(may Allah have mercy on him) said:
If a man is tested with falling
in love, yet he maintains his chastity and bears that with patience, then he
will be rewarded for fearing Allah.… It is well known on the basis of shar‘i
evidence that if he refrains from that which is unlawful in terms of looking,
speaking and acting, and he conceals it and does not speak of it, so as to
avoid saying anything that is prohibited – either by complaining about his
problem to people (instead of to Allah), or by uttering indecent speech, or by
seeking to reach his beloved in any way – and he is patient in obeying Allah
and refraining from disobeying Him, and in putting up with the pain of love in
his heart, just as one afflicted by calamity bears the pain of calamity with
patience, then he will be one of those who fear Allah and are patient: “Indeed,
he who fears Allah and is patient, then indeed, Allah does not allow to be lost
the reward of those who do good” [Yoosuf 12:90].
End quote from Majmoo‘
al-Fataawa (10/133)
Thirdly:
With regard to the verse quoted
in the question, and interpreting it as meaning that the solution for love and
attraction to the opposite gender before marriage is either to propose or to
conceal the matter until Allah decides concerning it, this verse was actually
revealed concerning the rights of the woman who is observing ‘iddah following
the death of her husband; it is permissible for one who wants to propose to her
to hint at marriage, but not to state his proposal clearly, and it is also
permissible for him to think to himself that when her ‘iddah is over, he will
propose to her.
We see no reason why the verse
cannot also be understood as meaning what you mentioned. If someone feels love
in his heart for a woman, then he should propose to her, and if there is any
reason why he should not propose to her, then there is no blame on him if he
thinks to himself that when the impediment is removed, he will propose to her.
But that is on condition that
he does not agree with her to do something unlawful, or do anything unlawful
with her, because Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the
meaning): “…except for saying a proper saying”.
So it is not permissible for
him to say to her anything that is contrary to the teachings of Islam.
The one who expresses his love
and infatuation to the one whom he loves has not spoken in a proper manner;
rather he has spoken in an inappropriate manner, and has raised the hope of the
other party that he will keep in touch. If he is not able to marry her, then
the matter is worse in this case, and as a result of that the Shaytaan will be
toying with them; if the door to what is lawful is closed, there is nothing
left but what is unlawful!
But if he is able to marry her
and wants to marry the girl, then he should make it clear and propose to her
through her guardians.
And Allah knows best.
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