Marriage like any other
relationship is never perfect. Even the best of marriages tumble. Most experts
agree that the key to a successful and loving marriage is hard work, commitment
and constant re-evaluation of our expectations in addition to how we
communicate. Sounds easy enough, but in reality, it’s easier saying than doing.
Speaking to a few marriage
therapists and Muslim counselors, I asked them what they noticed to be the most
common niggly issues that couples face. Of course, there were more complex
problems like infidelity and drugs, but other top issues might be surprising.
1. I Love You…Now Change
This seems to be one of the
biggest issues most couples face. Spouses so often try to change the other to a
version that they would love more. The very qualities that were cute in the
beginning turn into something that causes much resentment and contempt.
If you married a slob, he will
not automatically change into a neat and orderly person because you want him
to.The only person you can change is you. The best you can do is changing your
response.
2.Talking VS Communicating
The most common misconception
threatening marriage is that couples mistakenly believe that talking means
communicating, that is, whenever they engage in talking, they believe they are
communicating.
Voicing our complaints,
criticism and emotional blackmail are not tools of communication. Learn to
express your feelings with assertiveness and not from a point of complaint and
criticism. This will help protect your marriage at a later stage. Effective
communication means we listen and we are willing to see the world through the
eyes of our partners, and not only our own. If we listen as well as we speak,
real connecting would take care of itself.
3. Time Management
Modern lifestyle equals
stressful lifestyle. Time is of the essence and many couples do not manage
their time efficiently. Couples are pulled in all directions on a day-to-day
basis except towards each other.
Quality time even if it is just
five minutes a day, is an essential requirement of marriage. Couples need to
regularly re-evaluate their relationship in a gentle and honest manner, if only
just to know whether they are on the same page or not.
4. Intimacy
Nadirah Angail, author and
therapist from nadirahangail.com believes that lack of intimacy is a major
issue in Muslim marriages. “Sex is only a small part of intimacy’’, she says.
It is more about being fully engaged as a couple. Staying connected on every
level. Spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. Most couples
constantly face an uphill battle to keep the spark alive. Intimacy is not a
goal that couple should seek but rather a journey, which lasts throughout
marriage.
5. Turned Focus
The most frequent issue men
seem to have is that the focus of the wife changes when the couple have
children. It often leads to the husband feeling inadequate and neglected which
in turn, leads to lack of intimacy. Couples also allow technology to interfere
with their relationship; this is quite rampant with people texting at dinner,
surfing the Internet in the evenings and using their smart phones constantly.
As a result, the focus on each
other is shifted. Sitting next to your partner with your own tablets does not
equate to quality time.
6. Money, Money, Money
Money is a huge issue.
Marriages can often survive infidelity but money issues can be a dissolver of
the marital union universally. Nadirah maintains that this issue is not
uncommon in the Muslim household. It can be way at times for the insecure man
to control the woman. In a two-income household, there is often resentment felt
for the partner who earns more. This often leads to unhealthy competition.
7. Forgive Me; Honey
Forgiveness should come easy to
a relationship based on mutual love. Not so for a majority of couples according
to the experts. Unwillingness to forgive for minor offences (i.e. not unpacking
the dishwasher, leaving clothes lying around) and major issues (i.e.
accumulating debt) can affect negatively on a relationship. Most issues in a
marriage can arise from a partner’s unwillingness to forgive each other. In
marital life, forgiveness should be unconditional.
8. Lack of Appreciation
When appreciation is low,
conflict is high. Lack of appreciation is often the root cause of infidelity in
marriage. Couples tend to take their partner for granted. They mistakenly
believe they will always be there. When two people feel 100% validated and appreciated
by their partner, there is little room for conflict.
9. Emotional Affairs
Islamic Care line, a counseling
service for couples in South Africa has seen a major rise in emotional affairs
with the advancement of technology. These affairs are usually not about sex,
but more an emotional intimacy shared with someone else rather than the
partner.
Learning to trust and be
emotionally healed after these types of affairs can be incredibly difficult.
Couples face a huge uphill battle, and it can be avoided if the partner learned
to express their feelings and needs to their significant other.
10. Power Struggles
Anisa Moosa, a social worker at
Islamic Care line finds this to be huge issue in marriages as couples compete
even spiritually to be on top of the relationship. Each partner tries to outdo
the other and this can have disastrous effect if the couples do not know when
or how to toe the line.
When winning and being right
becomes more important than having a loving union then the victory is often
hollow and short lived. Relationships are complicated and couples’
circumstances are unique. Although these are certainly not all of the
relationship troubles that can befall us, they are the most common ones, which
seem to be reported. Always invest in your relationship and be grateful that
Allah has bestowed you with a beloved partner in this world.
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