Questions:
Assalam alikum,
I am a 28-year-old man. I have
been married for 7 months now. It was an arranged marriage. My mother showed me
2-3 pictures of my future wife. I saw and liked those pictures and agreed to
the marriage.
I saw her the first time on the
engagement day. I saw her couple of times after the engagement. I was quite
happy as she is a religious girl, she is a doctor. My mother gave me a very
good feedback about the girl and her family.
Just before one month prior to
nikah, we spoke over the phone a few times and chatted on WhatsApp. I know this
was wrong according to sharia as she was a non-mahram to me. After nikah only I
saw her closely.
In reality, she has average in
looks. She is little short. I assumed she would be taller as it was written in
her profile which was given to me. I thought she is very beautiful.
I did not share this problem
with anyone. However, I don’t really feel attached to her. Maybe because of her
average looks. It is about 7 months from our nikah, but we have not consummated
our marriage. Her mom came to know about this and it was a big mess among our
families.
I feel ashamed to share my
problem with anyone or family members because I only chose her. We tried few
times, but every time she experiences pain.
She also observed I am
attracted to beautiful girls. She notices that I have attraction towards
beauty. Despite all these things, she still says she loves me a lot and she
wants us to perform umrah.
How shall I deal with the
following scenarios?
1) I really want to keep her
happy. I am trying to figure out what my real problem is. Is it her looks? Is
that I am trying to discover my beautiful girl in her?
2) She is loving, caring and a
good partner. She always says I am living with her just for formal marriage. I
also know beauty fades away with time. She says she does not feel I have
accepted her as my life partner.
3)How shall I convince my heart
to overshadow her looks to her qualities, skills, and her love for me?
4)No doubt, it is not her
mistake. However, I am unable to protect my gaze when I see girls outside.
Divorce is not in my mind. I really need an Islamic advice and solution.
5)I get disturb when I think of
proposals which came before her. I am thinking I would have married those
girls. She has noticed that I kind of regret this marriage.
6)Sometimes I think I would
have chosen a beautiful girl with a bad characteristic. At least I would be
satisfied with only her looks. I really want to overcome this problem. First
time I am facing this kind of situation in my life.
Day and night I am thinking
about this problem. It affects our marital life. I stopped watching porn which
you have advised me last time.
I know that islamically, a
woman is married for four things. Piety, wealth, lineage, beauty and the best
woman is the pious one. I am praying to Allah(swt) and trying to convince my
heart to grow love for her in my heart. Please, help me!
Answer:
In this counseling answer:
• Your wife needs patience and
encouragement from you.
• Focus on creating touch
between the both of you which is enjoyable to each of you.
• Check out the Purify Your
Gaze program. It’s for Muslims who are struggling or did struggle with
pornography and other unwanted sexual behaviors including the inability to
lower one’s gaze.
As-Salamu Aleikom brother,
Thank you for your question and
reaching out.
What’s Attraction?
Let’s first consider the topic
of the attraction itself.
It’s generally understood that
it’s easy for a man to be visually attracted to a woman who possesses obvious
beauty. Visually, you don’t have to try hard to appreciate this kind of woman’s
physical beauty.
Then, there is the kind of
attraction that develops between people as chemistry is created between the two
of them. This chemistry happens when there is consistent close proximity, risks
taken in terms of emotional vulnerability until over time there is both an
emotional attraction and physical attraction that develops.
When you walk around the world
and look at all the people who are married, you will find that few are married
to someone who looks like a model. “Average” people are beautiful people to the
one who they love and who loves them.
Lasting attraction and
chemistry are created by how two people relate to each other, share their
thoughts, emotions, fears, desires, and aspirations. It’s the person who
supports the other and believes in them.
None of this is possible as
long as you are constantly thinking about other women, comparing your wife to
other women, and thinking of all the lost opportunities you imagine you had.
What to Do with a Sexless
Marriage
One of the key issues you have
expressed is that so far sexual intercourse has been painful for her and so you
have both stopped. Medical issues aside, this can happen for a variety of
reasons. For example:
* There may not be enough
lubrication (a common problem).
* She has nothing to be turned
on about because there is no foreplay that arouses her and turns her body on to
wanting to be intimate with you.
Women aren’t usually “ready for
sex” the same way a man is. Their bodies work differently and require more time
and effort so that the experience is enjoyable.
* She doesn’t trust you yet and
doesn’t feel ready to be physical with you because of the feelings she has
picked up from you about how you feel about her. Emotional trust is a huge part
of sex itself.
* She is scared it will hurt
and so creates a situation where her body shuts down. This is a situation of
fear creating the outcome.
* A previous trauma has
occurred in her life which shuts down her ability to experience pleasure in a
sexual context.
* She doesn’t feel confident in
her body and therefore closes off out of embarrassment or shyness.
The situation you are
describing that she has been experiencing is called vaginismus. I highly
recommend you share with her this quote and also both of you read further on
them together.
This is from a sister, Tasniya,
who was interviewed by author and speaker Umm Zakkiyah. She said in one part of
her interview:
“When I got married and I
wasn’t able to consummate my marriage, I was very confused. I went to several
counselors, Imams, and gynecologists but no one really understood me.
I felt isolated and depressed
because I thought I was the ‘only one’ going through this. For example, my
gynecologist gave me an exercise to do: she told me to buy the smallest tampon
in the store, put lube on it, and try to insert it into my vagina. It was a
nightmare for me! I just couldn’t do it and I felt like a failure every single
time.
Therefore, at one point, I
seriously considered leaving my husband because I felt as though I was being
unfair to him and he deserved better.
Feelings of shame and guilt
overwhelmed to the point where I was really having difficulties living a normal
life. Insha’Allah [God-willing], my husband and I want to start a family
someday and I thought that I could never do such a thing because I couldn’t
even have intercourse!”
I recommend reading more about
how she was able to overcome this problem entirely.
Be By Your Wife’s Side
After seeking more knowledge on
this topic, I would say that your wife needs patience and encouragement from
you and a chance to grow in her ability to love and trust you too.
She needs to know her body is
beautiful to you. She needs to experience touch that feels good. Things need to
move at her pace instead of yours.
I can appreciate that this has
been stressful for both of you, but it’s not as uncommon a problem as you
think. It’s solvable with time and effort working together as a team.
But that feeling of “we” has to
develop. Otherwise, you are asking her to have sex with a person who doesn’t
really like or want her. That’s a terrible feeling for her to have to live with
and she deserves better than that.
I would highly recommend that
you both stop focusing on trying to have intercourse and instead focus on
creating touch between the both of you which is enjoyable to each of you. The
entire body is a place to experience pleasure.
It’s more vulnerable for you,
perhaps, but that may be exactly what you need. To slow down and experience a
connection with yourself and with her.
Struggling with Lowering the
Gaze
If you are still struggling
with lowering your gaze, I’d like to recommend you check out the Purify Your
Gaze program. It’s for Muslims who are struggling or did struggle with
pornography and other unwanted sexual behaviors including the inability to
lower one’s gaze.
There is a solution to your
struggle. It just requires some commitment, discipline, and willingness to grow
as a person, insha’Allah.
Do Things Together
You have married what sounds
like a very good and decent woman masha’Allah. Going on Umrah and doing things
together as a couple that is good for your dunyah and akhirah is something
positive. It can help you both get to know each other better and develop memories
with each other.
If you have the opportunity to
do this, give it a go.
Stop focusing so much on what
you aren’t feeling. Start looking for opportunities to just get to know her and
let her get to know you. Relax and relieve the pressure.
Do something silly together if
you can. A small adventure, a hike, a car trip – whatever is possible and
within your means. Focus right now on developing a friendship while also
keeping in mind all the other points above.
I pray these points bring
comfort, ease, and support for your marriage.
Salam,
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