Question:
Salam. I like a girl for 4
years. We used to talk as friends, but recently I made it clear indirectly that
I like her as more than just a friend. As a practicing Muslim, I know I
shouldn't talk to her, but I really like this girl and want to marry her. The
problem is that she is not at all practicing as a Muslim. She doesn't pray or
wear hijab, and she has male friends. Despite all, I can't get rid of thinking
of her. Shall I ask her if she also likes me? How can I help her to become a
practicing Muslim? I am going through a big dilemma. Please help me.
Answer:
Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam,
Your feelings towards this girl
appear to be present for quite a long time. One thing you should keep in mind
is the underlying fact that we don’t necessarily get attracted to someone on
the basis of religion and that having feelings toward someone from the opposite
gender is completely normal. It’s just the way Allah (swt) created us. We can’t
help it. Girls will be attracted to boys. Boys will be attracted to girls. And
after lowering our gazes and staying away from what’s wrong, there’s nothing we
can do about that.
While you cannot control your
feelings of attraction toward someone, you can control your actions. As you are
well aware, Allah (swt) has clearly defined limits when it comes to friendship
between opposite genders; thus, in your current situation you have two options
to “be to the safe side” and stay away from sinning: you either end all forms
of communication with this girl or ask her to marry you in an Islamic way.
You seem to be firm about the
way you feel about this girl; however, I want you to first ask certain
questions to yourself and assess them honestly. How well do you know this girl?
What are the qualities that you love about her? List them on a piece of paper.
Can your love for Allah (swt) compete with your love for this girl? How will
have a wife who is not a practicing Muslim affect you and your future
generation? Will your parents agree? Are you okay with the disparity in terms
of religion?
Once you have answered all
these questions, you will have a clearer picture in mind, in sha’Allah. In the
meantime, don’t forget to also seek Allah’s (swt) help by praying the
istikharah prayer.
When you are sure that you want
to marry this girl, I would advise that you clearly talk to her and show your
interest (while involving your and her parents). Let’s see the manner in which
she responds. Once you achieve a positive feedback, instead of imposing the
religion on her, start acquainting her with the aspects where she lacks. Make
her aware and fond of how beautiful Islam is. Gradually, you will see a change
in sha’ Allah where she will accept and implement the religious practices in
her life and will continue it throughout.
You can also express your wish
to have a practicing Muslim as a spouse, and how significant effect it leaves
on the future generation.
Sometimes, we do not know the
reason behind the way people act. So, instead of saying, “look, I want you to
start praying 5 times a day,” You should say, “Do you hear the Athan? I love
the voice of the Mu’azzin. It gives me peace, and when I pray, I feel that I am
out of all the trouble and life is serene.” Or you can ask her in a nice manner
to go to the mosque with you or pray together at home maybe along with your
family.
Always encourage her to seek
knowledge, raise questions, and seek the answers. Allah (swt) says in a hadeeth
qudsi:
“Take one step towards me, I
will take ten steps towards you. Walk towards me, I will run towards you.”
In sha’ Allah, Adopting such
approach will actually appeal to her in a way that it will become her way of
life. With time, you will then be able to explain the importance of hijab and
the protection it gives. In this manner, you will be able to help her practice
the religion in a more efficient way. And this will also aid you in becoming a
better practicing Muslim, in sha’ Allah.
May Allah (swt) make it easy
for you .
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