Question
:
I’m newly married man who got
hitched few months back. Now, Alhamdulillah we are very happy living couple who
often go out for dates and spending quality time together. Before marriage, we
declared to each other that we are virgin. I trusted her wholeheartedly.
However, recently, I found out that she was a virgin before our marriage. She
got impregnated by her ex-fiancée. Apparently, she had a complication in her
pregnancy and sadly aborted the child. I’m out of words. She didn’t know that I
know. Her family knew about this but never inform me about it. I know that she
is trying to keep away from me as she feared I will leave her. auzubillah!! I
will not leave her. The fact is I’m truly disappointed that why she didn’t tell
me this. As a rightful husband, shouldn’t I know all these!! On top of that,
why no one in the family informed me. I feel I’m being deceived all this while.
Need help on this. What should I do?? How should I approach this matter with
her family?? I still love her and I will not leave her. Please, I need a proper
advice!
Answer : It doesn’t matter
if she didn’t tell you about her past. What matters is that you are happy
together and are improving each other to be a better Muslims every
day. Respect her as you have always done and do not decrease your love and
care for her.”
As Salaam Aleikom Brother,
We appreciate that you have approached us for advice. I will try my best
to answer you, InshAllah.
I can understand how you may be feeling. I am sorry that you have to go
through this. It is not nice to know that your spouse has lied to you or kept a
secret from you.
Sometimes, it is better to not tell them to confess. It is for the best
for everyone.
If you look from her point of view, she must be ashamed of what she did
and also afraid to tell you because she thought you would not marry her if she
did. It is a very personal and sensitive information to share with
someone. She committed a major sin by having a sexual relationship with her
fiancée, and her family must be ashamed of it too. They are parents and they
would never reveal such a major sin of their daughter to anyone. Parents just
want to get their children married to decent people and for them to have a
happy and respectful life. Dignity and respect are valued a lot in the
Muslim society, and it can be hard for a woman to live a comfortable life if
she reveals such a shameful sin.
A study has shown that women are very sensitive to tell about their
sexual behavior because they do not want to be labeled ‘loose’ girls or in some
cases ‘sluts’. They even don’t tell the truth in the anonymous surveys they do.
It doesn’t mean that your wife has had many sexual partners before
marriage, but even one intimate relationship is enough to label her slut in the
Muslim society. She is just protecting herself by not telling her sin to
anyone, not even you. This is a sin she has committed, and it is
between Allah and her. She might have repented and felt really bad for
what she did. Inshallah, Allah has forgiven her long time ago. Her past
is her past, and what she did was wrong. Your concern should be her present and
future, not her past. It seems like you both are happy together, and
you should focus on the positive things rather than her mistakes. After all, we
are all human beings, and we make mistakes at some point in life. Forgive and
forget.
Speaking openly about your sin is haram and it’s a major sin. It is one of
the ways of spreading immorality among the Muslims, encouraging evil and
tempting others to do similar things. It also means that one does not take sin
seriously and regards it as insignificant and that the sinner is damaging his
own reputation and exposing his honor to the slander of others. Islam seeks to
put people off from doing such things in the strongest possible terms, as in
the following hadeeth:
“All of my
ummah will be forgiven except those who sin openly. It is a part of sinning
openly when a man does something at night, then the following morning when
Allaah has concealed his sin, he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last
night,’ when all night his Lord has concealed him and the next morning he
uncovers what Allaah had concealed.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim,
2990).
I think her family and she did the right thing by not telling you about
her past. It
would just be a major sin and would damage her reputation.
Now that you know the truth about her past, you should not tell her that
you do. Keep it a secret and do not talk about it. It will
only make her feel bad and ashamed of herself even more. Be her strength, not
her weakness. If you cover her sins, Allah will cover your sins
too. She was not dishonest with you, she was just protecting her
dignity and respect in your eyes, because she cares about herself and you.
It doesn’t matter if she didn’t tell you about her past. What
matters is that you are happy together and are improving each other to be a
better Muslims every day. Respect her as you have always done and do
not decrease your love and care for her.
May Allah keep you both happy together and guide you both on the right
path.
Ameen.
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